What Happened Next…

They say time flies, but I think sometimes it just fluctuates. It rushes forward at full speed, halts into absolute stillness then jolts erratically before suddenly swooping back into blissful ignorance. Either way, it’s been nearly two years since I started this blog and I clearly completely lost track of time. Again.

The short version: I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and I’m awaiting an Autism assessment. Of course, it’s never quite that straightforward.

My Failed NHS ADHD Assessment

The irony with the NHS ADHD diagnostic process is no secret:

• they send people with suspected executive dysfunction a gazillion forms to complete just to get on the waiting list
• they then allow a short time frame to return the forms (at least in the case of my local NHS Trust), before the process is reset and you’re removed from the list
• the waiting list is huge so expect to wait several years in many areas

It took me a while to complete the forms, since I hesitated about being ‘ADHD enough’. When I did hear back, I was reminded that I had missed a form. I subsequently failed to return the missing form (the parent assessment) in the time (7 days from memory) and so was removed from the waiting list. Well, it clearly wasn’t meant to be. I moved on.

But my ADHD Didn’t Move on…

I quit my job shortly after this time and found something new and exciting. That job last about a year, including a period of anxiety. Then I found something new and even more exciting. After about two months, I wanted to leave. By this point my self-frustration levels were high.

This pattern wasn’t new, but acknowledging what was behind it was. Fortunately my new job paid well, as my patience was particularly low by this point.

I was able to schedule a private ADHD assessment online in the coming weeks. There were some online forms to complete, which felt more straightforward than all the paperwork I had been sent before. Then on 5th November 2022, it was assessment day.

My Private ADHD Assessment

Maybe I built it up in my head, but I felt a bit flat afterwards. The psychiatrist took me through the questions I had been sent before the assessment and the whole thing felt a bit cold. I was diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD, which is essentially ADHD without the hyperactive part (although I did show some signs).

I questioned it for days. Did I play up to it? Was the diagnosis wrong? Is this all in my head? In the end, it was podcasts and Instagram memes that very clearly reaffirmed my diagnosis for me. Thanks, internet. There is no way I don’t have ADHD.

Then There Was Autism

Well, it wasn’t just there. It’s always been here. But now it’s pretty clear.

The psychiatrist who diagnosed my ADHD suggested I seek out an Autism diagnosis, without giving the reasons why. Cue me revisiting my ASD research. I’ve been back and fourth with this so many times, but there are parts of my identity still not explained by my ADHD diagnosis. For example, my social anxiety, my strange way of going out of my way to avoid people, my obsession with understanding people, and my battle with body language.

The wonderful thing is I’m starting to accept my quirks and well, free them a little. I’ve always wanted to be an expert in something and I’m starting to realise that I’m probably an expert in masking. I’ve done it my whole life. I fooled myself.

I have an assessment scheduled for the Summer. Again, it couldn’t come soon enough. I’m battling through burnout at the moment, fighting between the opposing modes of ‘faking it until I make it’ to ‘f**k it I want to be free’. I’m not quite sure how it’s going to end, but it’s definitely a powerful journey.

If Elon was a woman…

So Elon Musk has ‘revealed’ he has Asperger’s syndrome and it’s all over the news, naturally. Because it’s Elon and because people still get excited about finding out something they didn’t know about someone that doesn’t fit their assumptions of success. Like if they’re gay or a single parent. Whilst it may not be a surprise or even news-worthy to those of us who know a bit about autism or accept that everyone is different to start with, it’s at least a bit of awareness raising.

Elon’s brain is not the topic of this blog post. His gender is though. This ‘news’ got me thinking. It got me thinking about all the top CEOs and high-profile industry leaders who are quite well know for not being people-people. Of course, it’s not a problem. They’re also known for being geniuses, innovators and game-changers. They’re also all men. The profile of the Silicon Valley techie is also an autistic male, although I accept much work is going on to change this.

My point is, it’s acceptable to be unsociable as a male. It doesn’t get in the way of success. Men can be known for their knowledge and skills. But women? Women have to behave, act in a certain way, conform, be sociable. I wonder if Elon would have been as respected and ridiculously successful if he were a woman.

I think not.

This isn’t an anti-men post. It’s an anti-prejudice and standards post. Some people are sociable and some people are not. This has no correlation with skills, knowledge and ability. Just with acceptance. Surely it’s time to turn that around. Time to accept and respect people for who they are. I know I’ve spent too many years trying to look great, sound great and appeal through presentation when in fact my core capabilities lie in the work I create.

Just a thought.

The Long Wait

There have been a couple of significant developments since my last post. Firstly, I’ve added autism to my suspected diagnosis line-up. A little more on that shortly. Secondly (and actually where I shall begin) is that my ADHD diagnosis questionnaires arrived.

There are a few questionnaires, mostly for me, but one also for a parent. It’s taken me at least a week to read the letter and actually see everything that’s inside. I had read the parent questionnaire and dismissed the whole thing when it arrived. I think I’ve come full circle now. But now the realization of the long wait has hit. The letter makes it very clear, in black and white: once I return the questionnaires, I’ll be screened and officially placed on the waiting list for an appointment, which is likely to exceed two and half years. Two and a half years.

So not to leave anything for guessing, I’m not one for waiting. So this is something I’ll need to live with! The good thing is, I’m pretty good at getting over things. The bad thing is, I tend to like to control when I do so. So I’m going to have to decide what ‘probably having ADHD’ means to me and adapt accordingly. I definitely won’t be spending the next two and a half years waiting.

The autism realization is an interesting one. I thought I knew about autism, but I realise now I know a few autistic people. That’s two very different things. I think I’ll write a separate post, but I have spent a couple of days reflecting intensely on my social relationships (or lack of) since childhood. The jigsaw pieces are finding their way together and I am starting to feel a little more whole.

The Loneliness of Now

Have you ever found out something about yourself and felt all alone because of it? That’s where I am now. Seeing my personality, my quirks and my life laid out before me as symptoms of ADHD was eye-opening. It was life-changing, in the sense that I had answers and some sort of belonging. But what now?

I’m certainly not about to shout it from the rooftops. It doesn’t change who I am, but I know it will change how people perceive me. Yes, it’s their problem and not mine, but it still matters. I get a strange comfort when I read the stories and comments from fellow ADHDers on social media. I relate. Yet I don’t know them; they don’t know me. There’s a distance.

I’ve told my mum, my partner. That’s it. I daren’t tell my employer. Fear of stigma and the repercussions? Definitely. I’ve seen it all before. I need to take this slowly. At the same time, I want to talk about it, laugh and cry or whatever about it. It shouldn’t be a secret. I just want someone who gets it who I can talk to about it. Is that too much to ask?

Self-Assessing ADHD in Women Online

Whilst I’m often the first in my household to google a symptom online, this isn’t a post advocating self-diagnosis! The internet is however a wonderful source of information (fact and opinion, of course) and I’d like to share some of the online resources that have enabled me to understand and identify my own ADHD symptoms.

I may be used to looking up symptoms online (and eventually concluding that it’s best to seek help from a professional), however with ADHD it has been different. It didn’t start with a symptom. Nothing has changed, started hurting, bleeding or pulsating. I’m the same old me. Instead, I’ve submerged myself deep into a world of online learning exploring learning difficulties, disabilities and psychology. Rather than experience anything new, I have quite simply recognised myself. I thought I knew what ADHD was and I have never been interested in finding out more. Now I’m obsessed. I’m not diagnosed and I expect a long wait assuming I will be. I wonder if until then I will stay lost in this plethora of resources. Or, perhaps, that I’ll just accept it, get bored and move on.

For now, I want to share my fascination. I’ve never related to anything in the way that I have the content I’ve recently discovered on ADHD. My learning started for professional reasons, to develop my career. I had no idea it would lead me here. These courses are all free and provide some great insights for parents, friends and professionals – as well as, of course, those with ADHD themselves:

Understanding Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) – University of Nottingham

Understanding Autism, Asperger’s and ADHD – University of Derby

Understanding ADHD: Current Research and Practice – Kings College London

The main symptoms of ADHD are: difficulty sitting still, trouble focusing, being easily distracted, having difficulty staying organised, being forgetful and not completing tasks. Whether or not you agree with it, current wisdom for diagnosis and treatment is held in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). You can easily view the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria online, although whilst this is a useful tool for self-assessment, it is not a black-and-white guideline for diagnosis. The criteria lists symptoms for both ‘inattentive’ and ‘hyperactive/impulsive’ types of ADHD (the former is sometimes still referred to as ADD, otherwise known as ADHD without hyperactivity). Symptoms must be present in two or more settings (e.g. home, school, work) and must have been present before the age of 12. For me, the criteria sent me on a path of clarity. My self-assessment leads me to a clear Combined Presentation (that’s both inattentive and hyperactive/impulsive).

ADHD can show up differently in adults than in children, especially as we have learned (whether willingly or unwillingly) to adapt to social norms. It is again different in women and girls, where there is a greater likelihood of inattentive symptoms and lower likelihood of learning difficulties. I’ll admit I associated ADHD with ‘hyperactive school boys’ (oh it makes me cringe) before my revelation. These articles are different twists on the same message, but they give an idea of how ADHD symptoms commonly show up in women. I’ve quoted some of the ones that really stood out for me, but do look into these if you want to understand more about what it’s really all about. If you recognise the symptoms or want to discuss the options for diagnosis further, the next step would be to meet with your GP (in the UK).

From Psychiatry-UK: ADHD in girls and women

• You struggle to relax and unwind as your mind is on the go
• You are a high achiever but then feel frustrated that you have not met your full potential
• At social gatherings you feel overwhelmed and shy but can end up talking over people as you are nervous

From Additude: ADHD in Women Symptom Checklist

• Is it impossible for you to shut out sounds and distractions that don’t bother others?
• Is time, money, paper, or “stuff” dominating your life and hampering your ability to achieve your goals?
• Have you stopped having people over to your house because you’re ashamed of the mess?

From Very Well Mind How ADHD Symptoms Commonly Present in Women

• Your mind drifts during conversations unless you’re the one talking or it’s a topic you find very interesting.
• Shopping trips make you feel better in the moment, but you feel regret later when the credit card bill arrives.
• You spend a lot of time, money, and research on products to help you be more organized, but then you don’t use them.

I’m also learning about ADHD comorbidity with sleep disorders (see Healthline), migraines (see ADDitude) and anxiety (see WebMD). It’s fascinating to start connecting some of the dots in my life – as well as in my family tree! ADHD is typically genetic and I have definitely noticed symptoms in other family members.

If you or someone you know has been diagnosed with, or is awaiting diagnosis for, ADHD – what online resources have you found useful to better understand and identify ADHD? It feels so early in my journey of awareness and I definitely want to make the most of the energy I have to learn more.

What ADHD Feels Like to Me

The more I read about different experiences of ADHD, the more I wonder what it actually feels like for me. Well, I don’t know, do I? Everything I’ve ever felt was normal to me. Now suddenly it’s not. Now, my brain is atypical, abnormal and functions differently to your average person. I never thought we were all the same, but at least that we were all more similar than this. Now I learn that my whirring brain, “always-on” state, hyper focus and inability to just stick to one thing are because I’m, well, neurodivergent. Because I have ADHD. Blah.

I guess it feels like a constant contradiction. I always want to do something, but I don’t always know what. I want to move, but I don’t know where to. I want change, but I don’t know how. I can have everything I wanted, but I’m bored of it already. There’s just always something else. I crave simple things like stillness, structure and organisation. Yet I fill my life with change, risk and instability.

I like taking on new things. I do it so much that I get overwhelmed and then I just need to stop. I’m all “more, more, more” and then, “stop, stop, stop”. I like that time when I just have space, on my own. I don’t know what I do with it. Re-charge, I guess. It’s not like I actually stop. My mind is still whirring. But then I can decide when I want to start all over again.

I’m forward-focused, wondering what’s next, seeking a thrill. I’m adaptable, but I move on quickly. I’m calm in a crisis, but there’s probably also been times when I’ve been quite good at creating them. Sometimes I just want someone to give me the answers. Yet, part of me knows I won’t listen.

So I guess that brings me here. I’ve got to work it out on my own. I want to. I want to learn more about ADHD, how it has affected me in the past and how I can harness all the good stuff within it. I guess also to manage the not so good stuff. I want this to be my focus, but I don’t know how long it will last. I’ve come to not rely on myself. But I want to try.

I Think I Have ADHD

Hellos and Goodbyes have never been my thing, so this instead feels like a good place to go ahead and set the scene. Picture a woman, British, mid-thirties. She is in a blended family: it’s her, her partner and their three kids. She’s the positive, optimistic type (well, so they like to say) and prefers to be outside, be active and get dressed up. She has a successful career behind her and to most, paints a picture of someone who knows what she wants and where she’s going. She also has a history of anxiety, depression and massively low self-esteem. That’s the hidden bit. Perhaps it shows in all the job-hopping, course drop-outs and failed relationships. Sometimes she has all the energy in the world; other times, she feels like the odd one out and it’s all her fault.

That’s the oddest introduction I’ve ever given. In the spirit of 2020-21, I’ve recently started viewing my life through a whole different lens. But this isn’t about lockdown self-reflection or pandemic life changes. Well, not any more. All of that stuff led me to a whole bunch of (virtual) training courses and one of the many things I’ve learned about in the past year is ADHD: what it really is, how it shows up and yes, that I almost definitely have it.

I’ve since discussed it with my partner, Mum and GP. He gets it, she (I think) is in denial and my GP, thankfully, has referred me for assessment. I’ve been told it’s a “very long” NHS waiting list. Further enquiry has hinted that this could be anything up to 7 years. I think I’m looking at closer to 2 years in my area, but time will tell. That is not a phrase that works well for me. Time doesn’t tell anything and I don’t usually wait around to let it. I’m already pondering the pros of a private assessment, but I’m also quite keen to become a more patient person. I’ve been quite proud of how this particular trait has evolved in recent years, but there’s no denying that I remain impatient.

Having spent the last however-many days losing myself in ADHD-related research, I’ve convinced myself that I have it. I haven’t quite got my head around it all. It’s a label I’ve always associated it with misbehaving school boys brought up on sugar (expect a post on myth-busting at some point), so it’s weird to say out loud that, “I have ADHD”. Yet it also feels like, for the first time in forever, I belong somewhere. Maybe, just maybe, it might all start to make some sense…