I Think I Have ADHD

Hellos and Goodbyes have never been my thing, so this instead feels like a good place to go ahead and set the scene. Picture a woman, British, mid-thirties. She is in a blended family: it’s her, her partner and their three kids. She’s the positive, optimistic type (well, so they like to say) and prefers to be outside, be active and get dressed up. She has a successful career behind her and to most, paints a picture of someone who knows what she wants and where she’s going. She also has a history of anxiety, depression and massively low self-esteem. That’s the hidden bit. Perhaps it shows in all the job-hopping, course drop-outs and failed relationships. Sometimes she has all the energy in the world; other times, she feels like the odd one out and it’s all her fault.

That’s the oddest introduction I’ve ever given. In the spirit of 2020-21, I’ve recently started viewing my life through a whole different lens. But this isn’t about lockdown self-reflection or pandemic life changes. Well, not any more. All of that stuff led me to a whole bunch of (virtual) training courses and one of the many things I’ve learned about in the past year is ADHD: what it really is, how it shows up and yes, that I almost definitely have it.

I’ve since discussed it with my partner, Mum and GP. He gets it, she (I think) is in denial and my GP, thankfully, has referred me for assessment. I’ve been told it’s a “very long” NHS waiting list. Further enquiry has hinted that this could be anything up to 7 years. I think I’m looking at closer to 2 years in my area, but time will tell. That is not a phrase that works well for me. Time doesn’t tell anything and I don’t usually wait around to let it. I’m already pondering the pros of a private assessment, but I’m also quite keen to become a more patient person. I’ve been quite proud of how this particular trait has evolved in recent years, but there’s no denying that I remain impatient.

Having spent the last however-many days losing myself in ADHD-related research, I’ve convinced myself that I have it. I haven’t quite got my head around it all. It’s a label I’ve always associated it with misbehaving school boys brought up on sugar (expect a post on myth-busting at some point), so it’s weird to say out loud that, “I have ADHD”. Yet it also feels like, for the first time in forever, I belong somewhere. Maybe, just maybe, it might all start to make some sense…