They say time flies, but I think sometimes it just fluctuates. It rushes forward at full speed, halts into absolute stillness then jolts erratically before suddenly swooping back into blissful ignorance. Either way, it’s been nearly two years since I started this blog and I clearly completely lost track of time. Again.
The short version: I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and I’m awaiting an Autism assessment. Of course, it’s never quite that straightforward.
My Failed NHS ADHD Assessment
The irony with the NHS ADHD diagnostic process is no secret:
- they send people with suspected executive dysfunction a gazillion forms to complete just to get on the waiting list
- they then allow a short time frame to return the forms (at least in the case of my local NHS Trust), before the process is reset and you’re removed from the list
- the waiting list is huge so expect to wait several years in many areas
It took me a while to complete the forms, since I hesitated about being ‘ADHD enough’. When I did hear back, I was reminded that I had missed a form. I subsequently failed to return the missing form (the parent assessment) in the time (7 days from memory) and so was removed from the waiting list. Well, it clearly wasn’t meant to be. I moved on.
But my ADHD Didn’t Move on…
I quit my job shortly after this time and found something new and exciting. That job last about a year, including a period of anxiety. Then I found something new and even more exciting. After about two months, I wanted to leave. By this point my self-frustration levels were high.
This pattern wasn’t new, but acknowledging what was behind it was. Fortunately my new job paid well, as my patience was particularly low by this point.
I was able to schedule a private ADHD assessment online in the coming weeks. There were some online forms to complete, which felt more straightforward than all the paperwork I had been sent before. Then on 5th November 2022, it was assessment day.
My Private ADHD Assessment
Maybe I built it up in my head, but I felt a bit flat afterwards. The psychiatrist took me through the questions I had been sent before the assessment and the whole thing felt a bit cold. I was diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD, which is essentially ADHD without the hyperactive part (although I did show some signs).
I questioned it for days. Did I play up to it? Was the diagnosis wrong? Is this all in my head? In the end, it was podcasts and Instagram memes that very clearly reaffirmed my diagnosis for me. Thanks, internet. There is no way I don’t have ADHD.
Then There Was Autism
Well, it wasn’t just there. It’s always been here. But now it’s pretty clear.
The psychiatrist who diagnosed my ADHD suggested I seek out an Autism diagnosis, without giving the reasons why. Cue me revisiting my ASD research. I’ve been back and fourth with this so many times, but there are parts of my identity still not explained by my ADHD diagnosis. For example, my social anxiety, my strange way of going out of my way to avoid people, my obsession with understanding people, and my battle with body language.
The wonderful thing is I’m starting to accept my quirks and well, free them a little. I’ve always wanted to be an expert in something and I’m starting to realise that I’m probably an expert in masking. I’ve done it my whole life. I fooled myself.
I have an assessment scheduled for the Summer. Again, it couldn’t come soon enough. I’m battling through burnout at the moment, fighting between the opposing modes of ‘faking it until I make it’ to ‘f**k it I want to be free’. I’m not quite sure how it’s going to end, but it’s definitely a powerful journey.